This week has brought with it many changes, both in my social situation, and in the help I receive to live independently. Just because I am now 22 doesn't mean that anything has magically changed at 11:59 p.m. I am thinking of far more dire situations, such as the battle that my friend Nick fought several years ago against a similar policy, literally in a life or death situation. I'm thankful that I can adapt in this situation, but it has been more than stressful focusing on purely survival needs and perhaps not on other things I should be at this moment, like this blog for example. If I have had to ask you for help in the last couple weeks, thank you! You know who you are. In the midst of this, I am also job searching and looking for an apartment, both of which can be wonderfully complex things if you're in my situation. So you might be able to understand why, in the words of Taylor Swift, I'm not really feelin' 22.
You know that feeling you get in junior high or high school when you realize everybody is leaving you and nothing will ever be the same? That feeling hit me last week. Hard. My friends are off to do amazing things, and they are nervous and excited for their future plans, as it should be. It is a whole other kind of nervousness when you know exactly what life could be like for someone in your situation, who, a planner as I am, or as I have to be, did not have things figured out a year in advance. Trying to stay optimistic in the face of barriers for people like you is very overwhelming, and it is hard to stay motivated. I'm not saying that it won't happen, but it will not be easy, it will be real.
But then I realized something else. I took a moment to observe how my support network has transformed in many ways, and that there are still many people who care in an emergency, whether or not they can help physically. So, I was able to spend the day with someone very important to me, and with her help, I was able to keep my plans that I had made before I was aware of a bunch of crises to come. After this, I decided I would pass the time at the movies.
I went to see “Inside Out,” the new Disney/Pixar film about the emotions inside the head of an 11-year-old girl, and at that very moment, I'm glad I did. Even though the experiences of Riley, the main character, were meant to be much simpler, I felt like the film encapsulated the bubble I was in at that particular moment. When you are trying to focus on so many things, you really don't get a chance to be grateful for what you have. I felt like the movie validated the ever-changing state of emotions, from depressed to happy to angry at any given moment. People need to know that that is okay, especially in these situations with no instruction manual. While obviously there is value in finding positivity, that can be really difficult in a world that shelters you extremely, no matter how noble its intentions, only to let you loose with no map as an individual with disabilities pursuing their dreams. If I had returned to the path of what was expected of me, I wouldn't be here where I am, having these issues at this very moment. But that's exactly what I want. And if Fear and Sadness took over last week, that's okay, because Joy is coming on the train right behind them.
Happy birthday to me!
(Image: Me, a white woman with shoulder-length brown hair, sitting in my wheelchair, smiling. I am wearing my spaghetti strap rainbow dress. The aisle of the mall is visible in the background.)
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